Hi! My Name is Tynan...

I'm an egomaniac vegan pickup artist who sold everything and is traveling around the world. I generally do whatever I want whenever I want, even when I'm pretty sure it's a bad idea. I like singing gangsta rap, writing, working out, working on my business, traveling, and finding adventure. I always wear a sequinned hat with stars on it.

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Archive: July 2007

Childhood Memories

It’s a dangerous night to be walking outside. Not for me, but for the tiny little frogs that dot the gravel road. I swish my overpowered Surefire flashlight across the dark gravel trying to avoid stepping on them. When I get close they freeze in their tracks, making them harder to see. This would be a good reflex if I was trying to eat them, but it’s working against them tonight.

I’m walking down to the beach for old times’ sake. It’s 2am and I’m in Milton, Vermont. Calling it a beach is generous. Shale rocks densely scattered over green outcroppings of weeds lead up to murky water. There are a few docks and a few boats pulled up out of the water. They’re not locked to anything - they’re just sitting there.

I crouch, pick up one of the little green frogs, and watch him slowly climb around my wrist as I rotate it. I probably haven’t touched a frog in ten years. Playing with frogs used to be my favorite thing to do when I was in Vermont. I liked to catch them in a bucket and then empty it into the nearby creek and watch them swim away. Sometimes we’d throw them in the air so that they’d land in the lake. That seems a bit inhumane now, but we didn’t know better back then. We were kids. I lower my arm to the ground and nudge the frog off of my wrist.

Most of my childhood memories are a blur. I remember going door to door in my neighborhood selling tickets to the fair that I was putting on. The main event was a miniature golf course I dug in my parent’s back yard. I had to shut the fair down a few days later because some of the other kids were eating all the candy prizes.

I remember Keely Schmidt, the girl I had a crush on in third grade. My undeveloped heart was broken when, on a ski trip, her best friend told me that Keely wanted to date my best friend. I think that, in title only, she was my girlfriend for a day or two.

But most of what I remember is Vermont. Every summer we’d make the four hour drive, which seemed like an eternity, from Andover, Massachusetts up to Milton, Vermont, where my grandparents lived.

At the same time my eight cousins would visit, too. Two girls and six boys. Mike, Greg, Jennifer, Mandy, James, Travis, Andrew, Brian.

My grandparents’ main house had started as a trailer at some point, but my grandfather was a carpenter and he built a small house around it. It was built on top of a large hill looking over lake Champlain. Down the front of the hill, towards the beach, was a narrow sandy trail that we would run down at full speed.

Down the trail and up another hill was a cabin. It was built in 1929 by my great grandfather, who I barely remember. The tiny cabin had one bunkroom, a small bedroom, a bathroom, and a living room and kitchen combination. I’d be surprised if it was more than 500 square feet total.

My father lived there as a kid, evidenced by the half-built model car he left in the rafters that no one had bothered to move, and his name that he carved into one of the posts holding up the roof.

“Rob ‘73″

Sleeping at Camp, as we called it, was the ultimate privilege for us kids. We’d jockey for the more desirable bunkbeds (they were all about the same) and sleeping bags (they were too), and stay up late telling stories. The next morning, little adults that we were, we would make breakfast which was always toast. All of the real food was kept at the other house.

My grandmother cooked us everything that kids dream of : cakes, doughnuts, and fried dough, all from scratch. We had fried dough eating contests that Mandy always won. Macaroni and cheese was popular too, although I’ve never liked it.

We were allowed to be kids and get into trouble, which was undoubtedly the best part of the experience. Next to the house was a huge sand pit that we used as an overgrown sandbox. We made huge figure eights with banked turns to ride bikes around. We took all of the metal toy trucks and made a giant chain of them from the nearby electric fence to the house. Every one of us got zapped in the process.

We went into the cow pasture that the fence was containing and played capture the flag amongst the cows. One popular strategy was to herd the cows into the opposing team. Nothing was more terrifying than being on the receiving end of a stampede.

Once, when I was feeling ambitious I convinced some of the cousins to dig a huge hole with me. We dug and dug until four or five of us could stand up inside the hole. When it was time to leave camp for the year we covered it with plywood and a thin layer of sand and told everyone that we filled it in.

My father was very angry when he walked over it and realized it was still there. Apparently people drive tractors through the sand pit in the winter.

One summer our visit coincided with the hatching of snapping turtle eggs. When snapping turtles are tiny they aren’t dangerous at all. We each ran around collecting as many as we could find and then built castles for them in the sand pit.

A nearby barn had a domed roof that went all the way to the ground. We climbed it and slid down.

At my aunt and uncle’s nearby farm we found a litter of kittens once. To celebrate we spent hours in the hay barn stacking bales to make a life sized castle for them. That’s how I discovered I was allergic to both hay and kittens.

As we got older, we slowly stopped going to Vermont every summer. We were too old to play in the sand and stack bales of hay.

Three hours ago I arrived at my grandparents house. I haven’t been in a few years. Last time I was here I was desperately trying to make out what Katya was saying over the phone. It sounded a lot like, “Mystery destroyed your room”, but there wasn’t good enough phone reception to be sure. Before that I can’t remember the last time I was here.

Not much has changed here since I was a kid. The gardens around the house are fuller. The sandpit is overgrown and has more plants than sand. The dirt road down to the lake is classier. It has gravel now. My oldest cousin bought the camp on the hill from my granparents. His little daughters now play there in the summer.

When I think back to my childhood the first thought that comes to my mind is, “Oh my God, I was lucky.” It seems like everyone complains about their childhood, but mine was like something out of a 50s TV show. Every year we counted the days to going up to Vermont, and always left with new stories and memories that I still have today.

It seems like everything these days is either closely supervised by adults, confined to a computer screen, or both. That’s fine for a lot of activities, but the freedom to run around and find adventure with my cousins is a feeling I’ll always remember and look back on with a nostalgic sense of gratitude.

The Open Road II

I’ve made it up to Maine. The RV has performed perfectly, and we’re even getting 13mpg. I was expecting more like 10-11.

Here’s what I’ve done so far:

I hung out in NY with Ross Jeffries and Jlaix, who both just happened to be in town at the same time. While I was there I had some fantastic Ethiopian food (no, it’s not sand and ants like you’d guess…) as well as some NY Pizza. To stave off the inevitable comments : yes, I break my diet somewhat when I travel.

I also visited my friend Nick and his girlfriend, Cindi, in Pennsylvania. Nick lived in Austin down the street from me for a while and worked with me on my gambling stuff.

We visited another friend in Boston who is in the process of renovating his house. He has a karaoke machine in his home theater that has 18,000 songs! That’s more than we have for Tazeroke (Which, by the way, will be back in full swing with a more powerful tazer. If you want to come, send me an e-mail).

I played Quiddler, which is an awesome game that combines Gin Rummy and Scrabble, with my little cousins, aunt, and grandmother. My nine year old cousin was extremely good at it for her age. It was amazing. My friend Elisia bought me the game because she knew I’d love it and now we play it obsessively. I play a lot of scrabble so I have all of the 2 letter words and “q” words available, so playing with me can be frustrating.

Right now I’m in Maine with Jonah. We’ve done pretty well going to Whole Foods and making healthy food. If anyone is wondering what the tastiest beverage in the world is, it’s “C Boost” by Bolthouse Farms. We call it “C Monster”. Try it… it’s incredible.

We’re at Jonah’s mother’s house which is two blocks from the beach. I’m sure the water’s too cold to swim in, but it’s still really nice to breathe the fresh beach air and listen to the waves. My friend Jake, who recently got engaged to his girlfriend, is stationed here so we’re going to hang out with him today.

Tomorrow I’ll leave Maine and head up to Vermont to see more of my family. Before that, though, I’m going to…

.. VISIT ED AND ELAINE BROWN!

In case you don’t know, they’re some tax protestors who are now in a standoff with the police at their COMPOUND in New Hampshire. Their power and water have been cut off, but they have stockpiled water and have solar and wind power. I’m pretty sure that they’ll soon get stormed by the police and get shot, so I want to meet them before then.

I saw them on Digg and realized it was kinda on my way, so I HAVE to go visit and check out the compound. I’m going to bring them some produce or something too.

After Vermont I’ll head back down to Boston for a week to see my grandparents and Boston friends (Seth, Jay (the guy who owns fastseduction.com), and Mmmaybe Charlie). Then I’ll head to New York to meet back up with Krystal. Kristen is going to fly in to NY the same day to meet us and drive back with us.

After a few days in New York we’ll make our way back to good ol’ Austin, TX where I’ll have just a few days to get the last few things left in the Condo out before we close on the sale of it.

Good times!

P.S. I should mention that the forums here have been really good lately. We talk about some great stuff and there’s no drama or flames. If you don’t read and post there, you should check it out.

The Open Road

I’m lying in bed in the RV right now. Yes, I still live here and love it, but that’s another story. The only difference between tonight and a normal night is that my bed is flying down the highway at 60mph, headed for the east coast.

My esteem friends and colleagues, Jonah and Krystal, are accompanying me on my first actual road trip in the RV. We’re going through the scary bits of America as quickly as possible (Arkansas, for example), and are trying to get to NYC before Krystal’s flight on Monday.

I’m going to hopefully meet up with Ross Jeffries, the first “pickup artist” to ever teach seminars, in New York before he leaves. Online he sometimes comes off like a prick, but in real life he’s one of the most warm and genuine guys in the community. I’m also going to stop by and say hi to my aunt, uncle, three cousins, and my grandparents who are visiting them.

After that I’m headed up to Maine to drop Jonah off with his family. Before leaving we’ll hang out with our friend Jake for a day or two. He joined the military after college and is a pilot.

Then I’ll head up to Vermont to see my father’s side of the family. They cook very delicious and completely non-healthy food, which is a minor problem.

After Vermont I’ll go back down to Boston to stay with my grandparents and visit my Boston friends for a week or two. Then I’ll head down to New York again, pick up Krystal, and we’ll hang out in New York for a week before heading back home. I’m planning on meeting Sarma Melngailis, who is one of the coolest people in the Raw Food community. She has a restaurant called Pure Food and Wine which serves absolutely amazing gourmet raw food. It’s so good that last time I went 6 of my carnivorous friends came back with me two days later.

I’m really looking forward to traveling in the RV a bit. It was a great feeling to be able to leave Austin without even considering packing. I have everything I need with me already! I have a laptop I have to sell and I thought, “Oh crap… I’ll have to wait until after the trip to list it so that I can ship it out.” Then I realized that it’s just as easy to ship it from wherever I happen to be when it sells. How neat!

I’ll miss this RV when I sell it before Life Nomadic 08.

Life Nomadic

For a long time now I’ve wanted to be a PT, or Perpetual Traveler. My recent massive simplification has been a step in the right direction. I used to have too much stuff to even consider going on the road. Living in the RV has been another leap towards PT.

But first… why be a PT?

The idea, at least for me, is this : there is no “best” place to live in the world. Tokyo has the best trains and a fantastic culture. The Caribbean has some of the most beautiful beaches in the world. Europe has the history and food. “Settling down” in one place seems a lot like “settling” to me. If I live in Taiwan for a couple months out of the year I can brush up on my Chinese and become more fluent.

First I decided on the places to visit. I wanted to visit 7 or 8 places, giving me enough time to really experience each.

I wrote down a ton of places and then narrowed them down slowly. The countries had to be spaced out around the globe. I’d rent an apartment in each and use it as a home base to explore the surrounding area. I came up with a final list :

  • Austin
  • Panama
  • Japan
  • Taiwan
  • France
  • India (for just two weeks… it’s on the way)
  • Sydney
  • Hawaii

Next I opened up excel and a web browser and started plotting out when the best time to be in each country was. I wanted to avoid winter and summer. Cherry blossom season is April and March in Japan. I can’t miss that.

Here’s the final schedule :

  • Austin : Nov 6 - Jan 5 (60 days)
  • Panama : Jan 5 - Mar 6 (60 days)
  • Japan : Mar 6 - May 5 (60 days)
  • Taiwan : May 5 - Jun 24 (50 days)
  • France : Jun 24 - Aug 23 (60 days)
  • India : Aug 23 - Sep 6 (14 days)
  • Sydney : Sep 6 - Sep 27 (21 days)
  • Hawaii : Sep 27 - Nov 6 (40 days)

There are a couple downsides to going. First, I’ll miss some people here. Luckily a couple of my friends are coming with me and I hope that most of the rest of them will visit. I also have some friends in some of the places who I never get to see, so that will be fun. Also I’ll have to give up the RV, which I really love.

It seems like having a rotating address would be super expensive, but it’s actually not at all. The plane tickets will cost about $5-6k total and the apartment rentals are around $700/mo per person. Other than the RV, I haven’t had monthly expenses that low since college.

Does anyone know anything about any of these places that I should know?

Tazeroke!

Every Wednesday Doug (a.k.a. DJ Doug) and I host Karaoke at a club called Firehouse Lounge in Austin, TX. The main reason I do it is because I love doing gangsta rap songs at Karaoke, and if I’m a host I get to sing more. Plus all of our friends come, so it’s a really fun little event.

But last week was more fun than usual.

When I found out that my friend Elisia had a police taser, I immediately went to work trying to think of a good use for it. After a short while, Taseroke was born. The premise was simple - two people would sing a song of their own choosing and whoever the crowd thought did worse would get tased mercilessly by me.

The only problem was - how would a club possibly agree to let me tase people on stage?

One night at closing one of the owners was there.

“Hey man, I was thinking about having taseroke one week… ”

I explained the idea to him.

He laughed and said, “I like it, but we can’t do it. It’s too dangerous.”

“Come on. I know you want to see people get tazed. I’ll make a waiver so you aren’t liable.”

“Well… I do want to see people get tased…”

With a little more cajoling, he agreed!

At first my friend Todd and my co-host/DJ, Doug, agreed to compete. I figured that even if no one else did, at least people would get to see someone get tased. But then something strange happened. As I told my friends about it, they ALL wanted to get tased. Jlaix and Christophe from Real Social Dynamics even flew in early to participate.

We decided to hold it on July 4th. What’s more American than tasing your friends?

The club was pretty packed. Word had spread about Taseroke and everyone wanted to see it. I got slightly worried because I looked on google and there were many reported deaths from tasers. I didn’t want to kill my friends.

Elisia brought the taser and Todd brought some batteries. We combined the two and then - NOTHING. The taser was broken! We took the batteries out, put them back in, NOTHING.

Todd ran to a convenient store and bought some new batteries.

After some finagling he finally got it working. The thing was scary. It was the size and color of a small police club. On the end were two brass electrodes. Pressing the button cread a little bolt of lightning between the two with a loud pulsing crack noise.

Finally at midnight I started the action… I’ll let the video tell the rest of the story.

One other incident of note that wasn’t captured on video is when Cristophe went totally nuts. He decided that I needed to be tased too. He riled up the crowd and asked who wanted to see me tased. Those ingrateful bloodthirsty peons rose against me, so he ran at me and tried to tackle me and take the taser.

Luckily I was… armed with a taser… so I was able to stifle the resistance. It was really fun getting to tase someone in a semi-real life setting.

If I Were President

Just for fun, here are all of my political views. I’m not super into politics at all - in fact before Bush started screwing everything up, I had zero interest in them. I definitely haven’t done enough research to have definitive stances on most of these things, so take them with a grain of salt.

Taxes

This is the one I care about the most. Our tax system is extremely screwed up. Did you know that we’re one of only TWO countries in the world who tax their citizens if they don’t live in the country or make money in the country? If I spend a year traveling the world, making money online, I STILL have to pay taxes in the US (there’s a partial exemption that it’s possible to qualify for).

We should really get rid of the income tax and move to a national flat sales tax. Americans spend WAY too much money. If there was a higher sales tax, but no income tax, people would be encouraged to save money. This would lighten the load on social security, welfare, and other handouts.

The sales tax would also be nice because Americans would have to pay significantly LESS money each. The operations of the IRS takes up a non-negligible part of your taxes for one. Second, tourists (which we have TONS of) would pay a lot more in sales tax. Win-win-win.

Overall I’m in favor of major government cuts as well, which would further lower taxes.

Abortion

Definitely in favor of abortion. Let’s say I’m going to have 2 kids in my lifetime. If I have two now, when I’m not at all prepared to have them, they’ll probably have a worse life than if I have them later when I’m ready for kids. If I’m going to add two humans to our population count, I want them to have the best life possible.

Foreign Policy

Leave people alone. I don’t know NEARLY enough about Iraq to have a valid opinion on it, but it really doesn’t seem like it’s any of our business to be there. It has been pretty obvious from the start that 9/11 had nothing to do with Saddam, and basically everyone knows it. Overseas we are seen (because we ARE) a huge bully who throws their weight around to get our way.

9/11 was a tiny little BLIP on the radar screen. So few people died in comparison to say… drunk driving accidents that year, that we should just move on with our lives. As Ron Paul says, they’re pissed at us because we’re over there in their business.

I’m not a dove, though. If a country threatens or attacks the US, I’m all about sending the boys in to take care of business.

Women’s Suffrage

Strongly against.

Privatization

I think pretty much everything should be Privatized. People love to go on about how evil corporations are. How GOOD is the government? It is WAY more corrupt and has way less oversight than the average large company.

Education

I’d like to see every budget cut except for education. Double it. The only way to ensure our country’s long term success is to make sure that we have the smartest and most able citizens anywhere. As is, we are huge idiots. Next time you’re out of the country, ask people what they think about Americans.

I’d like to see a wider range of subjects taught. Why our our kids not learning Chinese? Nothing about personal finance, social skills, or diet? Is chemistry REALLY more important than any of those?

The whole system probably needs to be restructured. School should be a place that MOST kids like to go because they can learn and work on personal projects. As is, it is basically daycare (if you look into this, you’ll find that it actually started because people didn’t know what to do with their kids all day).

I’d even like to see school be free through college. This is probably surprising since I’m pretty libertarian and hate college. We have a large pool of people in the country, and I’d like to make sure that those with the most drive and natural talent make it to the top and further the country’s goals.

Health Care

I think our system’s fine. I have a huge rant about this in the forums (scroll down a little ways).

The best way to improve our system is through education. Regulating what foods people can and can’t eat is oppressive and encourages people to eat the next worst thing on the menu. If children learn from the beginning HOW the body processes food, what’s good to eat and why, and is eating healthy in school, and is physically active in school, more people will end up needing far less healthy care.

For 21 years of my life I ate as poorly as possible because I had no idea why it was important to eat healthy. To me it was a matter of “am I fat?”. I never was, so I ate McDonalds.

Leaving People Behind

This stance doesn’t fit neatly into a single category. A country isn’t defined by it’s slackers and drug addled losers. It’s defined by the people who excel and contribute. I want the system to accelerate the progress of people who are motivated and smart, and leave people alone who aren’t.

For example, high school classes are dumbed down for people who aren’t doing the work or who can’t get it. That’s ridiculous. Don’t want to get with the program? Fine… you’re going to fail and you won’t get your high school diploma. At the same time, some people are more independent and need to learn in different ways. If someone wants to sit at a computer all day and teach himself how to program video games, that’s fine too.

Legalization

I would legalize prostitution, gambling, and drugs. Prostitution and drugs would have high taxes, like everything else. If someone wants to do crack and buy a girlfriend, that’s fine with me. I think it’s stupid, but it’s not the government’s place to protect people from themselves. In fact, I’m in favor of stupid people killing themselves through poor choices and getting out of the gene pool. We need to focus on long term - what will make the US the best place to live and work and contribute to the world?

Legalizing these three things would take a HUGE burden off of police.

Oh, and I would also broaden our gun laws so that anyone can have a gun and carry it however they please. If you have any sort of criminal record (for a crime WITH a victim), you can’t have a gun.

The Environment

This is a tough one. On one side I think it’s dangerous to have the government start making moral calls. On the other, I find public parks to be extremely beneficial. Would we totally screw over the environment without legislation? Possibly.

State’s Rights

Let’s put more power in the hands of the states. Why not have them compete for our residence? Is Delaware awesome at handling education? If people are leaving Chicago for Delaware because their kids will come out smarter, Chicago will improve their education system. OR maybe they’ll say “oh yeah? We have the best job opportunities because we have super low corporate taxes. Send your kids here after they graduate”. Specialization could be good.

The corrupt states with high overhead would see people leaving and would have to shape up FAST.

This would also help us test new things. Maybe Oregon ups the speed limit to 100mph and finds that there are fewer wrecks and more people come through and spend money at gas stations. Then other states could copy. When the WHOLE US is used to test we lose perspective, and it’s also harder.

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