Your Own Standards
Today I was talking with my friend, Hayden. One of the things I like about talking with Hayden is that he probably has more insight into my life than I do. He’ll often describe something I do or think in a way that I’d never thought about it, which then gives me something to ponder for a few days, weeks, etc.
Ironically, he’s also the one who recommended the two books that made me adopt the MaxDiet, even though he doesn’t follow it himself.
Today he asked me if I ever feel like crap.
He asks me this every few months, maybe because he doesn’t really believe me.
“Never.”
And it’s true. I definitely have a range of how I’m feeling, but it ranges from “really good” to “incredible”. Never okay, never bad.
I’ve written a bit about this before. A year ago I wrote about how I never get angry. The ladies in my life at the time then started a riot in the comments and everyone started defending being angry.
I felt a little bit vindicated when I read The Power of Now, which basically said the same thing WAY more eloquently. Actually, I only read the beginning of that book because I found it way too boring, even though the message was awesome.
But this is different. Besides not feeling angry, I also never feel depressed or inadequate, or anything like that.
Hayden’s explanation, which I think is right, is that I set my own standards. That’s probably a nice way of saying that I really don’t care what anyone thinks about me.
And I can see how in today’s society it could go the other way. If you look at TV shows, advertising, or movies, there are clear messages being sent.
You’re supposed to get straight As at a top school, get a high paying job, buy a sportscar, find your perfect spouse, buy a house, wear cool clothes and be beautiful like me, go on vacation in the Caribbean, and have kids. And that’s just by the time you’re 30.
Do these things, the legend says, and you will be happy.
There are two problems with this message.
First, this isn’t the path that most people can or want to go down, when it comes right down to it. People don’t meet the perfect girl. They get sidetracked on their own projects. When bombarded by this message, though, people get that nagging, “I’m not on track anymore” feeling.
Second, when people DO get that Porsche Boxster, the $100k salary, and their first mortgage, they aren’t happier. They’re only as happy as they’ve always been. Maybe less because the dream is gone.
“I worked that hard for THIS?”
I forget who said it first, but a phrase really stuck with me.
“You can never get enough of what you don’t want.”
In other words, if you go after society’s standards, you will NEVER reach happiness. I’ve seen this so many times over.
However, when you change your definition of success to one that’s a lot more appropriate, like, “success is when I spend all or most of my time doing what Iwant to do”, it’s easy and FUN to be successful.
Some people might call this lowering your standards. That’s a poor way of looking at it. Maybe you aren’t going to work 80 hours a week to afford a BMW lease, but you are going to spend more time scuba diving and reading. Which is better? Whichever one YOU want to do.
In my case, I’m essentially homeless. At one point I bought a house and two cars. Now I have no cars, no house, and actually no posessions that don’t fit in my backpack.
By society’s standards, I’m WAY less successful. By my standards, which are the only ones I care about, I’m way more successful. I’m seeing the world, learning, and becoming less materialistic.
As a result, I feel great about myself. I’m doing what I want to do. I’m happy. I feel no pressure from anyone, because I don’t care about their expectations of me.
But don’t bad things happen to me? Aren’t some days better than others?
Sure. Yesterday, for example, I got almost no work done. Even though I’m in Bangkok, I didn’t really go out and see the city. In terms of my standards it wasn’t a great day.
But…
It’s important to learn acceptance. Eckhart Tolle talks about how any anger is the act of not accepting “the now”, as he calls it.
Most days are full of me doing the things I want to be doing. Once in a while, like yesterday, I drop the ball. So I accept it. I’m not perfect.
I focus on the positives, too. While I didn’t go out and see much, I did go get some coconuts in a new area of town, and that was interesting. I started writing this post. I had some good meals and spent some time with my friends.
And hey… I’m ALIVE. The joy of being alive and having been given the chance to live life will always trump everything. You could string 400 terrible days together and I would still be happy because I am alive. Everything else is a blip on the radar.
To sum it up, three ways to always be happy that work for me:
1. Disregard anyone else’s expectations for you (including parents and society) and do what you want to do, Do it openly, honestly, and proudly. You have one life, and it is yours only. So enjoy it.
2. Accept that bad things will happen, but even if they do there is SO MUCH GOOD going on that they are irrelevant. You can consider them, act on them, but shouldn’t be affected by them because there is too much good to ever justify not feeling great.
3. Think every day about how lucky you are to be alive. Any one of millions of sperm could have reached your mother’s egg, but you were the one that made it. Trace that probability back a few generations and realize that EVERYTHING you have is a total gift. It is nearly impossible that you would be born, but you were. Is something like having your TV stolen REALLY enough to offset feeling great because you’re so lucky to be alive?
Be happy.
(16 votes, average: 4.88 out of 5)
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June 18th, 2008 at 9:11 am
Amazing! I’m alive! Sweet! =)
June 18th, 2008 at 10:33 am
Best post you’ve ever written. I had this mindset for a while a little while back but let someone take me away from it. Everyday really is a gift. It’d do me well to remember that.
(Also way to open up emotionally to get the female readers :P)
June 18th, 2008 at 11:04 am
Amazing post.
As a side note, one of the most difficult things is trying to convince someone who’s angry/upset/depressed that they should embrace their fortune, embrace LIFE, and realize the large-scale trivialness of whatever is upsetting them. Some people seem to subconciously WANT to wallow in a state of uneasiness.
June 18th, 2008 at 11:17 am
How can someone afford a Porsche Boxster on a $100K salary???
I am coming close to being able to say I never feel like crap. Less and less, due to working on myself more and more.
June 20th, 2008 at 6:29 am
Hey bud,
I totally agree with your perspective on success. I think the American standard of success is definitely a reason many people are unhappy. Well, the fact that people do not know how to create happiness is a bigger reason for unhappiness.
Thanks for your reminder of acceptance of the now. I read the Power of Now, but it’s always great to see a reminder.
After interviewing 100 people on happiness, reading books on happiness, and attending a landmark education create happiness event I have made a composite definition of happiness.
“Happiness is being the creator of your experience, choosing to take pleasure in what you have, right now, regardless of the circumstances, while being the best you that you can be.”
I think what you said fits into it as well.
Also, Tynan, I am sending you an e-mail right now. If you don’t get it, could you please e-mail me. I have a business proposal for you.
June 20th, 2008 at 6:52 am
Superb post Tynan, one of, if not your best. Thank you.
I agree that though a great message, the Power of Now is awful to read. I’m slogging through and it is worth it.
June 20th, 2008 at 7:01 am
I really like your style and courage. Like you, I use to actually have a concerned mom because I was never angry. It just seemed pointless to me at the time. I only started figuring this stuff out on my travels as well (I have travelled 5 full years in the last 15…and no I’m not old!)
I am awaiting your response to ‘When you meet the perfect woman, who is as free as you, as excited about life, who has such lofty and wonderful goals as you(albeit different) how do you NOT run into changing your standards? Stay Single? Maybe…Compromise…sounds good..but doesn’t work in practice.
They say(all those wise people) that life was created to be lived through the eyes of others, with others. Is it possible to have a perfect union and yet keep your own standards? I await your humble response - ha!
June 20th, 2008 at 10:53 am
“A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do.”
- Bob Dylan
Excellent post. Cheers!
V.
June 20th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
Definitely one of the best posts you’ve written Tynan. Something about posts that come from stuff that you feel passionate about - (i.e. the last several posts) that just communicate.
And do a search on youtube for Alan Watts and watch the one about Life and music - I think you’ll like it.
June 20th, 2008 at 9:31 pm
So so this is like the first time i have come across your blog and all i have to say is that i love it.
Its like “your keeping it real” and honest and i think thats great.
Now on what you said in regards to happiness. I really do believe that the best things in life are for free.
People have all these rules, which they think will make them happy. Like those things that you listed. You know earning 100K a year, having the car, having the status and having the apparent lifestyle.
While you can be happy with them too .. you dont HAVE to have them to be happy.
Happiness at the end of the day is a choice. No one can make you feel happy except yourself.
All we need is to focus on the positives and be appreciative for everything in our life.
Cheers
Hot Alpha Female
http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com
June 21st, 2008 at 7:49 pm
I think that you being vegan may have a lot to do with you being very happy. This ritualistic and tough diet must give you a sense of great accomplishment and honor to be so ethically consuming your energy. Is this something you agree with? I really like this blog so far as I’ve read. Thank you and nice work.
June 22nd, 2008 at 11:19 pm
I stopped reading when I realized you were full of shit, which was at the word “never” for those of you wanting particulars.
June 25th, 2008 at 8:16 pm
“How can someone afford a Porsche Boxster on a $100K salary???”
???… ummm by using part of the $100K salary to purchase the car. They cost around $50k, so it’s no different whatsoever for someone who makes $50k buying a $25k toyota camry. In fact, it’s much easier for the $100k person to buy the Boxster, since he’d still have $50k to live off.
July 7th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
dam your a good writer. one of my goals in life is to be a awesome writer like you.
July 13th, 2008 at 7:02 pm
Hey all,
Just found this article and I think it’s relevant in terms of TOOLS to accept where you’re at and set your own standards, separate your position from your ego and goals, and all that good stuff.
Here ya go: http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2006/04/self-acceptance-vs-personal-growth/
Alex
July 23rd, 2008 at 6:27 pm
Tynan I really like your post especially the part about being positive and living to love life. I admire you for giving yourself to your readers in a very possituve and respectful way….you are a true sweetheart! take care:)